My child cries at drop off. Will it get better?
You peel a small pair of hands off your leg, hand your child to an educator, and walk out to the car with the crying still going. Then you sit in the driver’s seat for a minute before you can start it.
If that is your morning at the moment, I want to tell you two things straight away. It is normal. And it does pass.
I have been in early childhood for over thirty years and I run Maroubra Junction Early Education Centre. I am on the floor most days. I have watched several thousand children go through this, and I have watched almost all of them come out the other side.
The crying is not the problem you think it is
Here is the part that surprises most parents. A child who cries when you leave is showing you something has gone right, not wrong.
Separation distress appears when a child has formed a strong attachment to you and has not yet learned that you reliably come back. They know you are their person. They do not yet have the sense of time to understand that “after afternoon tea” means anything at all.
Australia’s Raising Children Network has good plain language material on this if you want to read further.
What actually happens after you leave
Most children settle within minutes.
I know that sounds like something a centre would say. So here is the honest version. Some children stop the moment the door closes. Some take five or ten minutes with an educator sitting beside them. A few take longer, and a small number have a genuinely hard fortnight.
What almost never happens is a child crying all day. If that is happening, something needs to change, and I will come back to that.
The bit parents miss is that the distress is loudest at the transition, not through the day. You see the worst thirty seconds of your child’s morning and then drive away with it. Your child sees thirty seconds and then goes and finds the water tray.
Five things that genuinely help
- Keep the goodbye shortThis is the hardest one and the most important. A long goodbye does not soften the separation, it stretches it out. Your child reads your hesitation as evidence that something here is worth hesitating about. A hug, a clear “I’m going to work, I’ll be back after afternoon tea”, and out.
- Never sneak awayI understand the temptation completely. It is quieter in the moment and it costs you badly later. A child who turns around and finds you gone learns that you might vanish at any moment, and then they stop letting go of your leg at all. Always say goodbye, even when it triggers tears.
- Use the same ritual every timeTwo kisses and a wave at the window. Same order, same words, same spot. Predictability builds the trust, and the ritual gives your child something to do with the moment rather than just enduring it.
- Send something of homeA comforter, a dummy, a family photo in their bag. It sounds small. It is not.
- Ring usTwenty minutes after drop off, call and ask how they are. Every centre worth choosing will happily tell you, and most will send a photo. You will usually find they settled long before you got to work. Not knowing is worse than knowing.
What makes it harder
Arriving rushed. Children read your state faster than your words, and a frantic morning becomes a frantic goodbye.
Bargaining or asking permission. “Is it okay if Mummy goes now?” hands a three year old a decision they cannot make.
Coming back in. Once you have gone, going back resets the whole thing and teaches your child that enough crying brings you back.
Changing the plan. Taking them home on a hard morning is very human, and it makes the next morning harder.
It can come back, and that is normal too
Plenty of families sail through the first month and then hit a wall in week six. Or after Christmas. Or when a new baby arrives, or a room changes, or a fortnight of illness breaks the rhythm.
This is not going backwards. Separation distress tends to resurface around change, and it usually settles faster the second time because your child already has the evidence that you come back.
How we handle it here
We have never believed in dropping a new child into a room and hoping. Our orientation is deliberately slow, and orientation visits are included in the fee rather than charged as an extra.
- The tour is for youAbout forty minutes at a time that suits you, with me. You will walk the rooms while the children are in them and meet the educators your child would actually have, not a manager. Bring your child if you like, though you do not have to.
- Then a stay and play, which is for your childWe book them into an ordinary session, not a staged one, so they can be in the room they would join, with the children and educators they would actually have. It is free and there is no obligation.
- Then orientation visits before the first real dayBy the time you do the first genuine drop off, the room is not new, the faces are not new, and your child has already had the experience of you leaving and coming back somewhere they now recognise. We plan these around your child rather than to a fixed formula, so talk to us about what they need.
- Then we tell you how it is goingPhotos and updates through the parent app during the day, and you are welcome to ring at any time. You will not be a nuisance. We would far rather you called than sat at your desk wondering.
- And the educators stayThis is the part no orientation process can substitute for. Some of our educators have been here more than ten years. Your child will not settle with someone in March and meet a stranger in May. Consistency of the actual person is what does the work.
The guilt is a separate thing, and it is worth naming
Almost every parent I have sat with about this has, at some point, said a version of “am I doing the wrong thing?”
The grief you feel at the door is real and it deserves to be taken seriously, but it is not evidence that you have got this wrong. Talk to us about it. You will not be the first, or the tenth.
When to ask for more help
Most separation distress is ordinary and resolves. Speak to your educators, and consider your GP or child and family health nurse, if you see any of these:
- Distress that lasts most of the day rather than minutes
- Distress that is getting worse week on week beyond the first month
- New sleep or appetite changes at home
- Withdrawal from play, or a child who has stopped engaging rather than one who is upset
These are not emergencies. They are signals that the plan needs adjusting, and often the fix is practical rather than clinical.
Questions families ask
How long does it take to settle?
Days for some children, a few weeks for others. What matters more than the total is the trend: shorter crying, faster recovery, and a child who is engaged once they are in.
Should I stay until they stop crying?
No. Staying tends to extend the distress rather than resolve it. A short confident goodbye, then let the educator take over.
Does crying at drop off mean my child is not ready?
No. It is far more often a sign of secure attachment than of poor readiness.
Can I call and check?
Please do. Twenty minutes after you leave is about right.
Is it worse for older children?
It can appear differently. A four year old may negotiate rather than cry, or complain of a sore tummy. It is the same feeling with better vocabulary.
If you are looking at centres in Maroubra
The settling process is one of the few things you can actually assess before you enrol, and most families never think to ask about it.
When you tour, ask what happens on the first day, how orientation visits work, whether they cost extra, and who specifically will be greeting your child each morning. The answers will tell you a great deal.
Come and see how we settle a child
Have a look at our preschool rooms and what a day actually looks like, or book a tour and I will walk you through exactly how we would settle yours.
Book a tourSee our preschool roomsLauren Ziegler is the Director and owner of Maroubra Junction Early Education Centre, privately owned on Maroubra Road since 2010, serving families in Maroubra, Kingsford, Randwick, Coogee, Pagewood and Matraville. This article is general information and is not a substitute for advice from your GP or child and family health nurse.
